Rant//

As much as I would like to be angry at you and hateful towards you for not being there, I can't and I won't. 

I am going to be understanding.

I am going to be kind.

I am going to be compassionate and I am going to give you the opportunity when and if you are ready to know your son and to be apart of his life.

I know you're scared.

I was scared too.

I hope the best for you.

I hope you find yourself and your purpose in life. 

I found mine.

It is to be a mother. 

A mentor.

A provider.

A lover.

Please don't miss out on the wonderful life you and I created. 

He's pretty amazing.

I can promise you that. 

Without the rain there would never be a rainbow.

You are my rainbow, sweet boy. You are my hope and my promise for a better tomorrow. When I look at you or when you lay your precious little head against my chest, all of the negative thoughts and energy disappear. You make me strive to do and be a better person. Everything I do, I do for you. Keep on smiling baby bear, it lights the whole world up. 

And on that note, goodnight. //

They don't get it.

People just really don't fucking get it.

I'm not just going to dump my kid off with someone so I can go and do whatever.

My child is my FIRST PRIORITY 

I AM A MOM

I AM NOT A TEENAGER ANYMORE 

I WILL NOT BE ABSENT IN MY SONS LIFE BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER. 

One day they'll understand.

One day.

Holidays are the hardest for me.

Every holiday for this next year, until April 4th, is a first holiday for Landon. 

They are days that are supposed to be special. 

Days to be remembered.

Instead of them being that, they are days filled with sadness.

Sadness because his dad wasn't there to experience his first something.

Sadness because Landon is so sweet and pure and just innocent and he doesn't even know his dad isn't there.

He doesn't even really know his dad.

And that makes me so so sad.

Sad for Landon.

Sad for his dad because he is missing out on so many special moments and for what reason I do not know.

Maybe he just really doesn't want to be around me.

Regardless, you should go above and beyond, you should do anything if it means being able to share a special moment with your baby. 

If it means that you get to spend time with him.

Holidays just aren't good for me.

I wish that weren't true. 

"Happy" Fourth everyone. 

12 weeks old

Well, technically not until 1:23 pm later on today. But I just couldn't wait! 

Landon has changed so much within the past week. It is absolutely UNREAL to me!

His looks are changing and old ones are coming back. He is learning new behaviors, such as grabbing his feet. Which I might add has got to be the cutest thing EVER. He's also been doing this conversation thing with Grandad. Landon really likes his "g's" as is the g in geese. It's quite adorable and I was fortunate enough to capture it on video earlier today. 

LET'S SEE WHAT ELSE

My god! This really is so much to take in. Today Landon finished his first 8 ounce feeding! Of course it started with our usual morning 6 ounces but nope! Baby boy wanted more! 

We have officially outgrown all of our 0-3 month clothing. Yes, I was a hoarder and I did attempt to put a couple of my favorite outfits on him maybe more than a few times but COME ON they're just so cute. 

Also the socks. This mommy cleaned out the sock drawer today and we are in the 3-12 month category now! 

p.s. I'm still going to put his newborn converse booties on him. THEY SORT OF FIT I PROMISE 

Anywho enough of the ranting, here's some photos I took earlier. 

 

 

 

 

Attachment parenting at it's finest.

Here is a little something I like to call CO BATHING! Yep that's a thing. You can make just about anything a "co" thing. Which is pretty damn cool in my book. 

I read a quote earlier today and it said, "The more the child feels attached to the mother, the more secure she is in her acceptance of herself and the world. The more love she gets, the more she is capable of giving. Attachment is as central to the developing child as eating and breathing."

Of course, I have a he and not a she, but it's all the same. I couldn't agree more with this statement. I truly do believe that you can never have too close of a bond with your baby. Mother or Father. 

When being civilized becomes too much of a hassle.

Men are impossible. At least this particular one in my life. I have gone ABOVE and BEYOND for him and I get absolutely nothing in return. All I ask is that you at least ACT like you're trying. You won't even give me that. I'm done being nice. I'm done being civil. I am done letting you walk all over me and talk to me any way you please. If you want to see your son, see him. Spend time with him. LOVE ON HIM. PLEASE. Just stop bringing our relationship issues into his life. It may not affect him now, but it will. Oh, it will. Keep it up buddy. You're doing a fantastic job. 

Yeah, that was sarcasm. 

****MILESTONE****

I REPEAT, MILESTONE

Baby boy found his feet today! 

Mommy is so so proud of you Landon! 

It seems as if...

The days are growing shorter and shorter. It seems as if every day just passes by faster and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Part of me is just so thrilled that with each new day comes new behaviors and things that Landon is learning but another part of me is screaming "STOOOPPP ITT!!! PLEASE BABY BOY JUST STAY LITTLE FOREVER" It is one of the most bittersweet feelings. 

I keep meaning to write Landon's birth story because with each day that passes, things change, including my brain apparently. Just earlier today someone asked me what it was like when I went into labor and I thought I had the time my first contraction started down. NOPE I didn't. I completely forgot. Just little things like that. I'd like to be able to look back at that and reminisce every single detail possible. 

After all, it was the best day of my life. 

And always will be. 

I hope you will always love to snuggle up beside me.

No matter what age you may be, Landon. I hope you will always want my comfort. I know I will always want yours. 

Babywearing in Florida

Help my fellow mommies!!! I need opinions on wraps. I currently have a black Boba and I love it but it is ENTIRELY too hot for me to wear Landon outside in this Florida heat! Let me know what you guys think! Thanks a bunch :)

Late nights, lack of communication and disappointments.

Today wasn't a great day. I am constantly setting myself up for disappointment and I just don't get why I keep falling right back into this destructive cycle. I give Landon's dad chance after chance just hoping that maybe one day, he'll get it. He'll want to take every opportunity he is given. He'll put forth an effort. He'll care. Landon may not understand now but he will in just a short matter of time. If things stay the way they are, one day I'm going to be holding and trying my hardest to comfort my crying child because he thought he was going to get to see Daddy. I refuse to let that happen. 

For now, I will watch my baby boy sleep and hope that he is dreaming sweetly. I want the world for you Landon. I'll do anything to give it to you. 

2 months! ( I'm a little late)

Okay, I'm a lot late but so was Landon's 2 month well check up. 

June 16th, 2014

14 lbs. 4 oz. 24 inches long!!!!!

He's such a handsome baby. And so happy. SO HAPPY

But not here. He wasn't too thrilled with the whole I have to be naked AND sit still thing. Love you baby boy. More than you'll ever know. 

A glass of wine a day keeps the psychiatrist away

Just kidding. Tonight I enjoyed my first glass of wine in over 10 months and I feel so guilty. Landon is asleep and it's literally not even considered a glass it's so small

but I still just feel so bad about doing it while he's around. I DESERVE THIS DAMN GLASS OF WINE AFTER PUSHING A HUMAN OUT OF ME OKAY? OK. In all seriousness though, did any of you other first time mommies out there feel guilty about drinking around your little one? 

You made me a mother

Today is my first Mother's Day. I was thinking about how amazing it is that I finally get to celebrate being a mom but then I realized that if it weren't for Christian and Landon, I wouldn't be a mother. That is why I'm choosing to celebrate them today as well as my own mother, and grandmothers. Without them, it wouldn't even be possible. I love each and every one of you more than words can explain. Happy Mother's Day to all of you new mommies out there, enjoy your day and your family. Today is the ONLY day you will be able to say it is your FIRST. 

I made you, but you made me a mother. I love you Landon. 

One month!

I'm a little late posting this but Landon had his one month check up yesterday! Here's the little dudes stats from birth to now and an adorable picture of his daddy loving on him :) 

4/4/14: 9 lbs 7 oz 21.5 inches long

5/7/14: 12 lbs 1oz 22 & 1/4 inches long

CHUNKY BOY! 

p.s. Landon may possibly wind up being a little ginger baby. A very very cute one at that. 

#redballoonsforryan

Earlier today as I was scrolling through my Instagram feed I came across picture after picture of the most adorable fire cracker red headed little boy. His name is Ryan and he was hit and killed by a car on Friday. As I was reading about this tragic event I looked down at my precious little boy and held him a little closer. This happening has reminded me that things could be worse. I have been blessed with the most amazing gift, I get to be a mother. I get to raise a child. Sometimes we all need to remind ourselves that although we may not have picture perfect lives, we always have something or someone to be thankful for. 

I am thankful for having a roof over my head

I am thankful to be employed.

I am thankful for my mom. I wouldn't be where I am today without her. 

I am thankful for my sweet, precious baby boy Landon. 

I am thankful that Landon is happy, healthy, and well provided for. 

I am thankful he has an amazing father in his life. 

And most importantly, I am thankful to be alive. 

Style changes with motherhood?

I don't know if it's just me, but around my 7th month of pregnancy my style did a complete 360 and ever since I've been digging my mothers old Tommy Hilfiger button ups out of her closet. Of course I never could actually BUTTON them up until last week. *SPOILER ALERT* Post partum chub is a bitch to get rid of. I don't care who you are or what your body type is, it's fucking hard. Anyway, here is my "ootd" or for those of you internet illiterates "outfit of the day" ( I just recently googled the acronym myself. Oops.) 

Please excuse my chicken legs.

So there it is. Two sizes too small jeans, a striped button down and some really freaking adorable cranberry flats. Any other new mommies out there experience the whole "I'm turning into my mother" phase fashion wise?

Introduction (or whatever you want to call it)

The day I found out I was pregnant was the most terrifying day of my life. As much as I would like to say that my boyfriend Christian and I couldn't have been happier, I can't. So I won't. 

Gosh, why did I wait so long to write about this stuff? 

Anyway, from what I remember it was scorching hot outside that day (what summer day in Florida isn't?) I had been thinking it may have been a possibility but who am I kidding? I'm invincible right? Not. 4 pregnancy tests later I was proved wrong on the whole invincible thing. I don't know why I didn't think to pee on those little magical sticks sooner. My uterus was practically screaming "BABY ON BOARD" in my face. Nausea, check. Vomiting, check. And might I add that I puked rather gloriously in front of my boyfriends boss in the parking lot of Chipotle. Period? Nope! Nowhere to be found. My breasts also felt like The Hulk was attempting to rip them off. Fun stuff. 

My boyfriend was working when I peed on those suckers so here I was freaking out at my friends parents house until he got off..at 10 that night. Pretty sure I shit my pants for a good 6 plus hours. 

We cried together. That is one thing I am so grateful for, I didn't have to cry alone about it. We both knew our lives were changed drastically in a matter of seconds and we both knew we were no where near ready for this sweet, precious, little life we had created. Then again, who the hell is? I'm not going to go into extreme detail about everything right now so, long story short, I went psycho hormonal bitch status (aka pregnant, yes pregnant women should be locked in a room with a personal chef and masseuse) C and I parted ways about 6 months into my pregnancy, we had minimal contact up until the night I went into labor. I went into pre term labor about 7 months in and thankfully, the amazing team of doctors and nurses were able to keep my baby in my uterus until he decided to pop out on his own at 40+3 weeks. April 4th, 2014 is the day my life began. The day I found out what it means to love. The day I will never forget. Landon Gavin Chambers was born at 1:23 pm weighing 9 pounds 7 ounces and measuring 22.5 inches long (yes, I delivered vaginally and without complications, GO ME!)

I now have a happy and healthy one month old.

He has an amazing daddy who loves him to pieces.

I couldn't be happier with how things have been going. As for C and I's relationship? We're working on it, taking it one day and one step at a time. 

Now it's time for me to go shove some food in my mouth while baby boy is milk drunk and passed out in his crib.